The Flame

This was originally posted earlier this year; I am re-posting some of my favorites old blogs before I start blogging again on a regular basis.

Mama’s got a brand new bag.

No, I don’t mean literally, although I seriously am needing a new Coach purse.

What I mean is, I’ve got a whole new philosophy on relationships and it took one ten minute video to turn it all around.

Last night, I went to the Singles Life Group. At the meeting, after some fried chicken and fellowship, we watched a video entitled “Flame” by Nooma. I think that’s right. In any case, the narrator discusses three different words for love as found in the Bible in it’s original Hebrew. I’ll try to break it down in the way that I understood it.

The first level of love, or flame, is referred to as “Raya,” which loosely translated means friend or companion. This is the beginnings of love but is really more about just liking someone, enjoying their company.

The second is “Ahava,” which means the “love of the will.” This is the commitment level, where you choose to join your life with someone else. This is the foundation of true love, deeper than friendship. The place where you put the needs of the one you love before your own.

The final level is “Dod,” which is the sexual part of love. The bow-chicka-bow-wow part.

See how it comes last? AFTER friendship and commitment?

Do you see where I’m going with this?

The three flames are all important, and you can have one without the other two, or two without the third. But that’s not the way it is intended. God wants us to love our mates fully, completely, and in every sense of the word. I think my problem is that I’ve been telling myself that one out of three isn’t bad. I can honestly say that I’ve never tried to be friends with any man BEFORE pursuing a relationship. It has happened accidentally once or twice, but truthfully, when it has, I find I am lacking the third element. But instead of saying that I want to hold out for all three, I desperately fan the one or two and pray that they will sustain the relationship.

It doesn’t work that way.

So my new take is this. I want to be friends first. Good friends. Best friends. If the other feelings follow, then I’ll know. There won’t be any second guessing, and I won’t be left wondering what happened, and where I went wrong. I’m not going to rush ANYTHING. EVER. AGAIN. If there is a lesson it’s taken me 37 years to learn, that is the one. TAKE YOUR TIME. If it is meant to be, truly, he won’t go anywhere. That’s probably my biggest issue. I love my father, but he wasn’t exactly there for me growing up. When my parents divorced, he just wasn’t there. I don’t want to blame him for my problems or decisions, I hate that cliché where women blame their fathers for not being able to trust men. But I think I understand it a bit better. I tend to rush, and I think it’s because if/when a man truly gets to know me, he won’t want to be with me anymore. I’m not saying that because I lack confidence. I’m saying I can be kind of a pain sometimes, and I’m aware of that. I can be high maintenance. I can be moody. I can be a WOMAN. And deep down, I think that they’ll figure that out. I know how crazy that sounds but there it is.

So again, I begin. Armed with a fresh set of eyes and a more realistic and, hopefully, pragmatic outlook on this whole love thing.

Don’t be sad for me. I’m not sad. I’m ecstatic. I’m going to finally have what I’ve waited my entire life to find, and God is going to deliver it to me in HIS time. I just have to be patient and let it happen. Naturally. NORMALLY.

I’m putting away the gas can and Zippo. Let lightning start the fire.